Garbage Pail Kids. If you're around 30 right now (May, 2005), you probably know what these are. They are sick, twisted, disgusting cards produced by Topps back in the mid-late 1980's. They arrived in 1985 when I was 11, and for several years, I collected them. Many of them. Over 620, to be somewhat specific. In the beginning, they were parodies of the then-popular Cabbage Patch Kids....sickeningly cuddly little dolls that you could "adopt" from the cabbage patch and make your own. Yay. But then the makers of the original dolls sued Topps, and they had to start drawing them differently. The early ones were much better, and all of them were drawn and painted by an artist from Mad magazine. Garbage Pail Kids set out to massacre the "cute 'n' cuddly" part of it, and they succeeded. They were sold in packs of 5 and even came with a stick of gum that was only slightly more brittle than Bazooka Joe. They came in series, and I collected them through series 12. Each series had maybe 30-40 creatures, and each one had a twin. At an age where Mad and Groo the Wanderer comic books had struck my fancy, this was a perfect way to spend the rest of my cash. I think they were only 25 cents a pack, so it was easy to collect a bunch.

A couple years ago, I showed my collection to the kids, and even fouind a couple cards with our names on them. They got a kick out of it. Now, I am going to get a kick out of presenting you with a special Garbage Pail Kids album displaying cards that share the same names as people I know. Some are more personal than others, but each one does have some kind of connection to me. They had to. I wasn't about to scan, crop, and dissect over 600 of these damn things. So enjoy the mini-collection! And if you have a name of someone who you'd like to see "garbaged", e-mail me, and I'll try to find it.


Haha.....I may be a "bear" in the morning, but I'm not quite this bad!
Here I am in art class, trying to use paste for the first time. .....It must have been the beginning of the school year, but I don't ever remember getting that much sun.
This was the day my son Nick almost got eaten by the dog. I told him not to play in his food!
Here's Nick after his first kiss. I think he got out his laser guns and blasted her into KablooieLand after this one.

Boy, we had some explaining to do at the ER that day!
My sister was always eating like this. She's cleaned up since. But check out the glazed look.....that hasn't gone away.
She looks scared.....but she found love that day.
No matter how hard we tried to keep her locked in, she always found a way out.

Jeez, Dan. Polishing your teeth seems to give you more fits than polishing your head. Take it easy, man!
He's got my 2 year-old nephew's middle name. And his scary gaze into my soul!
Here's my good friend John in music class. Must have been the same year as my art class debacle, because clearly we both should have stayed indoors a bit more.
They spelled his name wrong, but they drew my buddy very well. Every time I see him, he's chopped himself up in some zany fashion. This guy is nuts!

This was one cold winter. We all pleaded with her to come inside, but she never listened. Now her poor brain only works in December.....
Here she is at the karoke bar with Kelli and Kim. I'm surprised they were ever allowed back.....someone could have stepped on all that broken glass!
Here's Crystal's husband.....and it becomes very clear why he bought an actual hearse.
Of course, if you're going to start losing body parts like this, you don't need the hearse. A few duffel bags will do just fine.

Mark likes to come to our parties. Of course, when he has to go "outside potty" 10 times a night, it can get old.....but we love the guy!
She just married my sister's ex-boyfriend. Or should I say, "Tied The Knot". With snot! HA!
Here's one of Kelli's cats. She never has to feed him! Every day, he hatches a new bird out of his head and eats it. It's a wonder to behold.
Here's my parent's cat. One would think that with a cat's laser-like vision, she'd be able to dodge this. Alas, she's blind and deaf.

One of Kelli's cats looks very much like this. A blob of fur taking up space. It'd be funny if it weren't so tragic.
Here's that crazy cat of hers again. She's got quite a collection of misfits!
When Tamara's mom tried to frame Santa for robbery, the results weren't pretty.....
Tamara tried explaining her way out of trouble, but was met with nothing but stoney silence.....

Tamara's dad had never looked so dapper.....
T's best friend after a night out on the town. There's really no excuse for getting that wasted.
Here she is again, after her ill-advised trip to the tattoo parlor. Those aren't coming off anytime soon....
Tracie's husband must have really put his foot in his mouth this time. That's brutal! But it'll go nicely over the fireplace.

Ha! He did it again! When will this guy ever learn?
I hope Tamara's boss never treats HER this way!